Updated: Sep 18, 2020
This morning I woke up and quit my job. Trust. It didn’t just come from out of the blue. Nor can I technically afford to just quit with this COVID non-sense (and by non-sense I do know it’s a real thing, I just think this shit sucks, thus… Non-sense). I haven’t been in this job for long, but I just wasn’t as ready as I thought I was to go back to work.
Of course, all the thoughts, good and bad, helpful and hurtful, have been flooding me brain for the past week. I pray, daily, I must not be doing it right, for it to stop. For God to just show me what I must do to make it through this. I weigh my options, try to think of other course to maneuver through this feeling of lost and incompleteness that seems to be consuming me. Finally, the racing thoughts, consume me. I’m incapacitated. Heart races, feeling less and less able to breathe, simple questions feel like college trig, and then, I shut down. I swear at that moment, I don’t know my name, who I am, what year it is, my body and mind are on autopilot. I need to sit down, and quick. I can breathe, see, my heart is beating. It’s like my brain goes blank.
I wasn’t ready to go back to work. And as I sit here writing, I am truly thankful for my husband and our life. That, like I said before, “Nor can I technically, afford to just quit”. That means technically I can. Let’s get real though, what does that really mean? Yes, my husband makes enough for us to get by for me to be able to not work. BUT.. for Mrs. Anxiety, control freak here, that also means it makes me feel like I’m not pulling my weight. That I need to be a better wife, mother, how can I let him work, and me just quit due to not being able to handle it? Well what If he felt like that. He is the one that takes care of all of us. All 7 of us. How can I be so hypocritical of someone feeling the way I feel?
My husband has his own demons he battles with on the daily. But one thing he does not deal with is being bipolar. He has his down moments and beats himself up, but he doesn’t have depression. He second guesses himself, his work, and many aspects of his life, but he doesn’t struggle with anxiety. He’s human, those are all human traits. Everyone battles with something. Some are just more severe than others. Different than others. Last night as I was building up the courage to tell him that I wanted to quit my job, (I have no issues communicating with him, I was more afraid to admit it to myself that it was what I really thought was the best course of action for me) I thought about it if the roles were reversed. Or if he felt the same way, what would happen?
How many of us, moms, parents, care-takers, suffer from mental illness yet have no choice BUT to keep going. Today is not a day that I feel strong. Today is not a day, that I feel like I can even get out of bed just to get a glass of water, let alone clean, take care of children, the house or anything really. The fact that I am even writing this right now, in itself, is beyond me. How can I expect to work and do a decent job? I loved the work I was doing, but I wasn’t doing it well. I love the lady I was working for; I didn’t want to waste her time.
The thoughts going through my head are something like this:
· I cannot commit myself to someone, knowing I’m not going to give them my all.
o How can she trust me, there will always be that hanging over my head.
o Maybe I can fake it till I make it and I will pull through later.
o What if I don’t – and I wasted her time?
o What if I quit and that was a great opportunity that I, once again, let slip?
o How can I know what is going to happen? I can’t just push through it and it will all work out in the end.
o I don’t feel I was ready to go back to work
o Staying at home and not working was driving me crazy
o Was it that I wasn’t working that was driving me crazy or was it that I was unhappy with myself and thought that working was the answer?
o How can I teach my children to push on through the hard times when I ultimately failed at doing it myself? What kind of example am I showing them?
o What kind of example am I showing my children that I’m unhappy and but I have to stick with something I don’t believe is the right thing for me right now?
o What does my husband think of me?
o Yet if he loves me, he will understand.
o Think positive, you’re letting your emotions get to you
o Emotions betray you
o Your emotions have been proved right before, yet they have also been so tied into your anxiety that at that moment you thought it was the best thing and it bit you in the ass.
With all that being said. There’s no right, no wrong. There are so many of us struggling and don’t know what the best course of action are. Or we might think that we don’t have any choices to make. We might think so many things. Our feelings betray us, yet they keep us alive. Our actions might have serious consequences, or they might be the best thing that we ever did. We’re all in this thing called life together. Not knowing what to do or where to go. What’s right, what’s best. So what do we do?