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It’s Ok to not be Ok

Updated: Sep 18, 2020

I hear this a lot. And I say it a lot. Sadly, I only believe half of the time. This morning on my way to work. I was not ok. I recently signed up for MarkManson.Net. I loved his book. “The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck”. I’m reading it again. I found about his website, going through it, I found the Subtle Art Commentary. I decided to listen to it on the way work. - One thing that always stuck in my head.. out of all of it.. is “The desire for for a more positive experience is itself a negative experience, and paradoxically, the acceptance of one’s negative experience is itself a positive experience.”

I can say, after many years of tears, fights, struggles, wishing I could just end it all, therapy, medication after medication. I accepted what it is I’m dealing with. There’s no cure. There’s no magic pill. Trust, I struggle hard. Even this morning, driving to work, thinking, “Is it even worth it?! How am I going to make it through the day?!, Why can’t I just be Ok?!” I, one, had to remind myself that it’s ok to not be ok, and two, I have accepted that I know that this is my life. Now, I’m not saying, owe is me, I’m saying is, accepting that I will have my off day, days, week. I will struggle. I know it will come. But like in the Subtle Art - I almost let the “Feedback Loop From Hell” kick in and I would have spiraled out of control and into a major depressive state. (In the book Mark describes the feedback loop from hell as pretty much, getting anxious about something, then getting anxious about the fact that you’re getting anxious and so on). So I caught myself.. (doesn’t always happen that way, or so quickly, or sometimes I don’t catch it until way after I’ve had a full blown episode) but I caught it. I (this time) saved myself from going through that “feedback”.

So I put on his commentary to help reinforce it. It helped. I ended up having an ok day. I still struggled through my day, I felt down, but because I acknowledged it earlier, instead of trying to do all the “TODAY IS GOING TO BE A GREAT DAY” BS I use to try to do, I was able to handle the day. Even now as I lay here in bed, listening to Moana - How Far I’ll Go, for the 10th time tonight (this kid loves this song) I realized, I actually had a good day. Emotional and all. I had a good day!

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